When we’re on a journey toward healing and wholeness, it can be easy to fall into a common trap—focusing on what we “don’t” want. We make declarations like, “I’m not going to do that anymore,” or “I need to let go of this bad habit.” While the intention is good, what many don’t realize is that this kind of focus can actually reinforce the very behavior we’re trying to change.
Why? Because when we focus on what we don’t want, we’re still giving energy and attention to it, unconsciously reinforcing that habit. The mind latches onto the habit itself, rather than the positive change we’re aiming for. So, how do we shift that pattern? The key lies in learning to pay attention to the words we say and how they make us feel. Rather than focusing on what you want to avoid, start framing it in a positive light by focusing on what you “do” want to bring into your life.
Let me share a personal...
As I continue on my path of self-discovery and healing, I often reflect on the earlier stages of my journey—back when I first started noticing my patterns. At the time, I was consumed with shame every time I recognized one of these patterns in myself. My initial reaction was, "This is bad. I shouldn’t be doing that." But over time, and with compassionate understanding, I’ve learned not to step into the field of judgment so quickly.
One of the most powerful things I did during those early stages, which helped me begin to dissolve the patterns or, at the very least, diminish their control over my behavior, was simply acknowledging them. When I noticed I was running a pattern, I no longer made myself wrong for it. Instead, I chose to witness it.
I would take a step back—into my heart—and observe my behavior with curiosity, rather than judgment. I started to ask myself, "What is this pattern really about? What are the nuances of my experience that allow...
In reflecting on my recent interactions with various clients, a recurring theme has emerged—one that carries both excitement and a touch of pain. The exhilaration stems from the awakening that occurs on the healing journey, where one can no longer hide in unconsciousness. This newfound awareness unveils unexplored facets of the self, marking a point of no return.
However, navigating this unfamiliar territory poses its challenges. The struggle lies in articulating this new experience and figuring out how to navigate this transformed world. Connections with others may feel disjointed and awkward as we grapple with the uncertainty of how to show up authentically in relationships. The fear of not belonging intensifies, echoing the deep sadness of a lifetime spent in solitude.
Yet, the awakening opens the door to limitless possibilities for meaningful connections. The pain and perceived problems don't negate the vast potential within. It's crucial to recognize the safety and...
In today's message, I extend a heartfelt message to all the compassionate individuals tirelessly supporting others—whether therapists, doctors, psychotherapists, or wellness coaches. Often immersed in our mission to make a positive impact, we may find ourselves pushing beyond healthy boundaries, shouldering more than we should. The relentless drive to help can lead to exhaustion, impacting our clarity and communication.
Drawing from a personal encounter, receiving an email triggered a cascade of distress and worry. Taking a moment to delve into the shadows of these beliefs, I unearthed a memory that transported me back to a time when, as a timid and frightened young girl, I was introduced to a new uncle. The unfamiliarity of the situation triggered a desperate longing for the safety and security embodied by my mother. The emotions of fear, powerlessness, and a profound need for love and protection became indelible imprints on my young psyche. Through this exploration, I began...
Do you feel suspicious when you receive kindness from others?
I've shared many times how, until even recently, my inner world was an unfriendly place.
I would often go to a place of harsh, self-criticism, longing to get it "right" or be "enough".
I've managed to shift my inner critical voice into one of warmth and safety over time, using resonant language, understanding how the nervous system works and rediscovering my joy.
Many of us did not receive accurate reflections of our emotional experiences as little ones, and so did not receive the understanding that what was happening in us made sense.
It can be very difficult for humans to access self-esteem and self-compassion when what we are experiencing does not make sense to us.
In fact, it is so distressing to be in this place of not making sense to ourselves that we can become cut off from accessing self-warmth and enter a place of intense self-dislike, even self-loathing.
Other times, some of us...
I found my way to Nonviolent Communication and Interpersonal Neurobiology out of desperation to experience something different, and gratefully have received a TON of empathy support over the years. Being held in a container of warmth, understanding, and acceptance, has allowed the embedded patterns of my conditioning to unravel and new neural pathways of resilience to lie down in my nervous system. As I consistently received resonant empathy support, over time I developed my own resonating self-witness.
This inner-witness is not simply a compassionate voice; it is a deeply responsive, warmly curious, and generous voice. These new pathways empower us to live into a new way of being in our relationships, with ourself, and with others.
I remember receiving a correspondence from someone who began their communication acknowledging the value they experience for the gifts I bring into the world, and I noticed how my heart felt soft and open in response. The next sentence,...
I've been thinking about grace a lot lately. It really got my attention the other day when I was working hard outside with my husband, preparing a section of land to fence in as pasture for my horses. It was good, hard work, and I could see my dreams becoming reality before me.
Dreaming out loud I told my husband, "So, I'm thinking we'll put the fence out this direction," motioning with my hands to show where the fencing would go across the field.
He invited me to walk with him as he showed me how he envisioned it would all come together."The fence will come out this way and go around the raised beds..." As I followed and listened to him I began to feel bewildered. This was not how I had imagined it would be, or what I thought we had agreed on. I began to pepper him with questions, my cadence shortened, and I felt my throat tense up.
Before my eyes I saw him shut down - and for the life of me I couldn't understand why! "Are you angry?" I asked him with...
Have you ever noticed something when you were all alone and it both shocked and horrified you? I have. Let me tell you a story…
"NO!!!" I felt a flash of heat as I screamed in silent horror.
Rushing upstairs to look in the bathroom mirror my worst fear was realized. I saw the beginning of a stress sore on the corner of my mouth. Without conscious awareness my inner alarm triggered panic to flood throughout my nervous system. With ghastly images becoming more hideous by the second, I frantically searched through the cupboards, looking for my prescription to head off this atrocity.
As the panic attack triggered an asthma attack, and my breathing became very shallow, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Wide frightened eyes, raised eye-brows, and frozen facial features. Slowing down, I held my own gaze, and watched as it slowly transformed into one of recognition and then the warmth of gentle kindness.
Silently, I acknowledged what it was like to...
Sometimes I find myself falling back into really old patterns. Patterns that I thought I had let go and that I wasn’t ever going to use again. Sometimes what can happen, when I’ve noticed that I’m operating out of an old pattern, is I can just beat myself up with anger.
It sounds something like, “Oh, you are so stupid! I can’t believe you are doing that again!”
Then, inside I have this cringing with shame experience, “Oh my goodness, I can’t believe that! I’m so horrible.”
And the, I can fall even lower in the spectrum of energies. Into self-loathing, “Eeew, yuck.” Some disgust can come up.
Well, I’m really grateful that on my journey in this life, I’ve discovered that it’s possible to recognize these aspects of myself with compassion. In those moments I can acknowledge how it feels to be me. I can speak to myself, “Gloria, are you just feeling such...
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